Saying goodbye to a therapist

Well its my last session with my therapist tomorrow :(   it's been a hard year and I've been very lucky to have been put with a very good one this time.
I always find goodbyes hard and find the end of therapy quite difficult. I'll admit I'm a very emotional kind of person and do get attached easily. The thing I find hardest is when you open up to someone and work through personal issues, and then all of a sudden you can't talk to them again. It's like losing a friend.
I know there are guidelines professionals have to follow for very good reasons but think I'll find it hard not to get a bit teary tomorrow.
Even though it's us in the sessions that do most of the work and they are just a listening ear with suggestions on how to look at things differently, but it's a bit scary to think it won't be there anymore. 
I can always go to the Dr if I dip again, but if I see someone new it's the going through everything again as they need your background history....
For now though I know I can do this x

Feeling hmm...

Hi guys I apologise it's been a long time since my last post. I had taken on a few new things and I just ended up exhausted.
Things are pretty good at the moment it's just my anxiety had reached an all time high. My mood swings have been all over the place, as have my sleeping patterns.
It's a wierd feeling to have good things going on in your life but you find it a bit hard to keep up with the pace.
On a good note it was my birthday last week :) as a treat my best friend and I went for an overnight spa break. (If you ever decide to go to one look around for packages as it's alot cheaper).
It wasn't far away but was so nice and relaxing. I did struggle a little as I felt a bit out of place (alot of posh people) but the staff were lovely!
I had an hour treatment of a facial and back massage combo and I'd recommend it to anyone if you get the chance. I felt so light and calm after. I may have to save up and get a massage from time to time :)

I still feel bit funny at the mo like I'm walking around in a dream and quite restless but hoping it will pass soon. Mind you the change of the seasons always affect me alot (as I know it does with alot of people). But instead of mourning the end of the summer try and think of hot chocolates, snuggly pj's and fun autumn walks x
I'll try and blog again soon, much love x

Sleep it off

Hi all I hope you are well, today I wanted to address sleep. Apart from anxiety the main thing that affects my life is that I get tired alot. It annoys some people but think about it for a bit, all meds we are usually prescribed contain sedatives so it's no wonder we get tired and have a nap. I have one most afternoons, I've tried all sorts to try not to but I just get end up getting ill. So over a very long time my friends and family have become used to it. I love the fact that my best mate texts me before she phones to see if I'm awake so if I am asleep she doesn't wake me :)
I've never had a normal sleeping pattern, I switch between over sleeping and bouts of insomnia which is never fun. I also get very vivid nightmares which can affect me for days, people say to me "it was just a dream". I know that but being so vivid I wake up drained and teary as I've felt every emotion going through it.
What im trying to get across is don't push yourself too far, listen to your body and get the rest you need. It may not be 'convenient' for other people but pretty sure they would understand if you explained it affects you a lot physically. It's a part of self healing. It's no different to other conditions that make you tired like M.E etc.
Hope this all made sense and helps explain things a bit :)
Hope you all had a lovely weekend.... I've slept through most of mine haha x
Goodnight lovelies x

Cry baby

Hi all, it's ok to cry you know. It means you care. Those little drops of water rolling down your cheeks are memories and feelings leaving your body.
Sometimes we cry for no reason and that's ok too, maybe it's a reminder that even though you may feel numb that there is still a heart inside that loves.
I heard a quote once from gerard way (my one true love lol) 'it's ok to love something too much as long as it's real to you'. Very true. Even though people with bpd feel things more intensely and it can be overwhelming I find it nice to think that when we love it is the kind you see on romantic films, who wouldn't want a bit of that?
Bringing me to the side subject of relationships, the romantic kind. I don't know about you but I don't think people love like they used to. Everyone dreams of the silver screen kind but when it's handed to them on a silver plate they shy away from us. My theory? They don't either want or deserve it.
I have experienced the movie romance so I know it exists, it is out there its just very hard to find. However putting your all into something can be dangerous as if it ends it will take a piece of you with it. But is a relationship worth being in if you're not going to put everything that you are into it?
To be honest a it all comes down to the age old question, answer honestly,no wrong answer; is it better to have loved and lost than to never love at all? ......

You are not alone

I don't know about anyone else but I find it comforting to know it's not just me. There are groups out there online for people with mental health issues where you can share how you're feeling and members help eachother out. A simple reply of 'I get like that' can really help. I personally have joined groups on Facebook. You have to look for them as most are closed groups which means the content is not shared on your main page. That way only members can see what you put :)
It's also good for asking about medication you're on eg; asking if anyone else gets side affects etc.
Another good resource is YouTube. I follow some people on there. However use your own instincts on this as some content may be triggereing. Be sure to mix it up a bit because hours of videos of people pouring their hearts out can be draining. (I follow kiera rose and grav3yardgirl, they have a range of topics from mental health, shopping hauls and random silliness).

But please do remember you aren't alone, there are so many people going through the same things let's do this together :)

Decisions, decisions

Hey all, making up your mind is hard enough without a mental illness, even with little things. What feels like the right way to go may feel completely different later in the day just because our mood has lifted.
I've described bpd to others before like 'bipolar in fast forward'. And even though you think it's the right decision for you at the time sometimes works out to be wrong because we are usually very spontaneous with what we answer. (Really hope this is making sense).
What im trying to get at is sometimes if you have time to think it over first then do.
I've found it useful to write things down, give your first honest answer and come back to it to see if it's changed. Being able to answer in different states of mind will help make a more educated decision.
Everyone makes mistakes but I find it better to handle if I have taken time over it and not say "well that was a bit silly of me I should have waited till my head was a bit clearer".
Me personally, I'm very spontaneous and panic about small things all the time. For example clothes shopping I'm awful at. Well any type of shopping really. I've got better at rationalising things in my head but the panic still sets in. When I say panic I mean seeing stuff you really like and want it's like a little kid inside of me is saying "mum can we buy it? Pleeeeaaaasssse!?" I've got better at saying no though. Even though it's not like a spoilt little brat scenario and more like "it need that in my life otherwise something bad is going to happen".

I mean buying that shirt I liked but really didn't need was much more important than buying new boring pants because mine seem to be dissapearing..... maybe it's the washer?....It has been known to eat socks....hmm?

However I do find some problems easier than others, the answer to 'do I need a nap' is usually yes :)
Goodnight all, sleep tight x

If you don't ask you don't get

Hi all, another good day in my head, two in a row! I am being spoilt :)
Today I'm going to share something I've learnt; you honestly don't get anything if you don't ask. I know all too well that it's hard to stand up and tell people what you need, your heart starts racing and you panic. But take a step back and think about it for a sec, what's the worst they can say? The answer to that is that they say no. But at least then you know where you stand and your brain can stop running over the hundreds of outcomes.
If you don't feel strong enough to ask today write a list and do it when you can.

Things to consider... things I've asked....
It's ok to ask to change a therapist if you feel the one you see is not helpful. It is important to find one you get on with otherwise it just ain't gonna work love x

Don't assume sideaffects are normal. Talk with your Dr and explain what you're going through, the reassurance will put your mind at ease x

Ask what help is available, this one is very much an 'if you don't ask you don't get' .  There are free groups out there you can go to put on by charities, volunteer places available and over the phone help lines x

Anyone who is ready to maybe take on a voluntary placement I'd recommend. It has many perks like getting you out the house, meeting new friends and the feeling of achievement. Plus if you can't attend there isn't the guilt of letting people down, if you explain from the beginning your situation they are usually very helpful and understanding x

The last one is friends and family.
Tell them what you need. Most of the people close to you feel helpless as all they wanna do is help but don't know how to. If you need space tell them, if they truly love and care about you they will do this. And asking for a hug is always nice :)

Hope this was even a little bit helpful, love borderline x

Safe place

Hi all, glad to announce I had a good day today. The kind of day where I felt happy with my own company which is very rare.  I didn't do much, I count these kind of days as my 'day off'.
When i say day off I mean my head has been quiet and used this time to relax and do nothing. I usually stay in my bubble which is my flat. I've had a nap without putting on an alarm, a nice relaxing bath, a box set marathon and cuddles with my cat.
I think it's just as important to use good days for rest as much as for getting stuff done :)
Living with a mental health issue is hard so why not treat yourself to some much needed self healing?
It's like the times when you feel like 'I wish the world would stop for a bit so I can have a rest and time to catch up' if you need that why should you feel bad for creating that as close as you can?
Some people have said to me on a number of occasions 'you live in your own little world' my answer?  Why yes I do, it's nice, wanna come with me? Hehe :)

Hope you are all well, take a break, have a kitkat chunky as it's a bit more satisfying ;)

First post

Hi all this is an experiment to start with, I want to keep identities of myself and others private so will use alias'

My name is borderline, I have been diagnosed with bpd and currently attending therapy and im on medication. Mental health is much more publicly known about now but not many people realise just how much it can affect a person's life. I currently don't work but do volunteer a few hours a week with a local charity.
Anyone viewing this blog most likely has a mental health issue or knows someone who does (assuming this as you probably searched for this kind of content).
I would like to share my experiences and an insight to my day to day life, obviously there will be good and bad days so I will put trigger warnings and description where I belive it is appropriate.
 (Trigger warnings are a warning of content that may upset readers or 'trigger' a readers own psychological difficulties. If anyone wishes to comment on any of my posts please keep this in mind with what you write).
Any feed back or suggestions would be helpful :)    would this kind of blog be helpful to anyone?
Keep smiling guys. Much love x